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 I never wanted my art to take a backseat and for many years I fought to keep it front and center even when it seemed impossible.  With so much happening in the world and even in my own life I've found it incredibly difficult to keep it all afloat. 

But nothing's impossible.  I find myself a victim to negativity and self-doubt on a daily basis, and I look back on all I've done still with awe.  How did I even get here?  Who made these works of art that I continue to admire and find inspiration over?  It was me...then, before it seemed the world was crashing down on me yet again. 

I hate playing the victim though, so it doesn't take long to figure out what I need to do to get out of it.  I love that meme that says eventually the pain of not doing art becomes greater than the pain of avoiding it or something like that.  Art finds its way in here and there, always.  But whatever dreams of grandeur I once held fall slowly away, and that hurts.  So in some way I set out to do something about it.  

In my post about reinvention, which I wrote about 2 years ago, I remembered what sparked the next wave of inspiration, the gaming world.  I didn't necessarily want to become a game artist, so much as I wanted to be a gamer and I needed a reason, a validation to do it.  It couldn't just be for fun, because that's a waste of time.  But slowly over time as I played more and more and tried to incorporate some kind of money-making strategy, the fun started to take precedence.  I logged onto my computer just to play and not worry about going live or making content.  The barrier became harder to get through.  The gap between my confidence and fear became wider and suddenly doing it all over again became too scary.  I needed to feel more ready.   I needed better graphics.  I needed better marketing.  I needed to network more and learn more about the process. 

I've gone live very rarely now.  Not just for the above reasons, but also because I suffered a great loss to anchor in this world.  Anyone who has experienced the loss of a close loved one knows how hard the grieving process can be, but also, I was not aware of how many ways it was affecting me.  Unworthiness, despair, and nihilism crept in, and took hold for a long while.  In recent months I've only begun thinking somewhat again of my future and how I used to be.  The pain of not doing what I once wanted is once again becoming too great.  Though I am still not sure how strong that pain is in taking me all the way, when now it has so much more to compete with. 

Time as also passed so casually and I'm 2 years away from where I once was and find myself so far from where I thought I'd be at this time.  Often times feeling I've barely started anything at all.  And feeling like it's too late, when everyday someone greater and younger comes along and does exactly what I wanted with so much ease, and with so much time to spare.  Imagine.  My high school self was so confident that I would be retiring in just 5 short years from where I currently am. 

I mean I know I was just a dumb kid, but I didn't feel like one.  I felt very confident in what I could do, and I carried that confidence into my college classes, and beyond.   I was told many times how lucky I was.  And while I'm impressed even now that I got as far as I did, I'm not where I wanted to be.  I may have been able to get this far with talent and confidence, but some "level-up" from that stage hasn't seemed to occur.  I feel like somewhere I got knocked down.  During my breakup?  During my grieving?  Either way it's still up to me, which is both hopeful, and not.  I'm more tired than I once was.  I'm less inspired.  I've done far less work than I used to.  I've lost space to make art that I once had.  I would almost be relying entirely on digital art, just to be able to work and not use up materials or space that are now very precious.  And to add to that I'm no unemployed, in a completely new state.  It is both excited and terrifying. 

And now as I write I'm feeling that long distance call for help.  Somewhere inside is that kid who was hungry: who wanted more.   All this time I was striving to impress that one person: to make their life easier and show them that it was all worth it.   Now it's as if I have to impress upon myself that this is all worth it.  That young dumb kid who said I'd be retired by now.  I know he thought he knew it all, and what he didn't he'd learn.  Man, the learning doesn't stop.  The fear doesn't just stop.  The self-doubt doesn't just go away.  I'm definitely carrying much more than I was those many years ago.  But I still look up. 

I don't know what I'm looking for, but somehow looking up reminds me that I'm still smaller and younger than this big old planet.  My time is finite, but there's still some of it left.  I do still want those things I wanted when I was half-joking with my friends around the booth eating pizza and drinking a coke, with what seemed to be not a care or doubt in the world.  Maybe I have been dropped into a much more elaborate obstacle course to my dreams, but I can still find my way.  It's not too late.  

Can I retire in 5 years? LUL, I don't know, but let's find out, I'm not there yet.  And at this point I'll take retirement to mean financially free, and maybe...

Reinvention

 Hello Readers!

I come to check on my blog pretty infrequently, but always find myself wanting to start again and again. And thus, here I am once again typing, but also, I'm finding that since I was last active so much has changed. 

I was inspired one day to follow some live streams and found myself wanting to also "go live."  In this spirit I borrowed some money and made a plan to become a streamer.  Me being me, I had to watch a million videos on the subject and learn everything that I could in an effort to not fail miserably.  Many issues arose. 

While I wouldn't say I failed, because in essence I feel I've barely begun.  In essence, my motivation moves wildly from hardcore gaming streamer to quiet artist in the shadows. I suppose it wasn't really my intent to game stream solely, but I did spend a lot of the budget on games, they are quite expensive at times after all.  But I managed to use a deal or discount or coupon every chance I could just to make sure I wasn't being too wasteful.  As a stabilizing measure, I spent a little on video and art software.  My idea was that while gaming to an audience I could also use these newfound tech tools to further my art.  I've always loved digital art, and I've always needed a better tool than my phone to practice it.  An iPhone is seriously hard to make art on.

I guess what it all boils down to is that I felt this process of metamorphosis.  I had already been through a lot in the last few years and as I crawled out of one cocoon and into another, I couldn't help but feel I wasn't doing enough.  And at other times, I was doing too much.  Perhaps as a creative you might identify with the feeling of being pulled in many different directions and not knowing which to explore.  But this latest spark came from the popular game Animal Crossing: New Horizons. 

Animal Crossing: New Horizons winter advert

I'm not even sure how or why I was initially intrigued, but I found a video creator that was doing amazing things with the game and also began doing live streams which I delighted in tuning in for.  For hours I watched gameplay and listened to this creator talk about life and share funny moments and engage with his chat audience.  It all seemed like so much fun.  I loved games, but that fell to the wayside over the years when I decided I should be more serious about my art.  Anyone who loves playing games, knows the tale of someone, a parent, or someone close casually mentioning how games are a waste of time.  And true, they are entertainment much like Netflix and online dating.  But no one scoffs at spending an entire weekend of binging on the latest series and exploding at the seams in anticipation of talking about it. But something was different about this.  And looking back, it all seems inevitable. 

You see while I'd always loved to play a great role-playing game in the vein of Dungeons & Dragons, even forming a group with my friends in college, I never really did it with anyone else much.  In college I frequently had friends over to play, or later having LAN parties of the MMORPG we all loved.  This is a gamer event like a party someone hosts, and everyone hooks up to the internet on separate computers to play an internet-based game in which everyone has a character they've created, and then plays together in this game world.  It was all very geeky, very time-consuming, so much fun, and also very social.  

Apart from the fun, I enrolled in a course to learn game design.  From an outsider perspective the programs seemed very tedious and confusing, but as I loved a challenge and I loved games and art... how was this not a perfect combination of a class?  I remember spending hours in the computer lab after hours and tweaking all the details of my models and animations.  This process made my art come alive.  I was obsessed.  I didn't do very well in the subsequent iterations of this class as many of the assignments were open-ended and I didn't do very well with creating my own discipline and structure.  But nevertheless, a seed had been planted. 

In the years that followed I found myself alone in a new city and away from all my game loving friends and I once again found myself thrown into projects and work.  I won't deny I feel I accomplished a lot in this time and managed to cross off many of the goals I'd set for myself.  Off the heels of depression, rejection, and job loss, I still found a way to make art, and play solo games that in turn inspired more art. An excuse I would later use many times in order to play more. 

After my last relationship failed, I lost interest almost entirely with games.  I began to associate them with the loss and felt that my time spent on gaming was wasted because I hadn't been nurturing my relationship.  In this newfound depression I resolved that all things to improve my life would have to somehow be working to pull me out of this dark hole I had dug.  Gaming had not made the cut and so I had avoided this favorite pastime for more than a year.  When I eventually came back it was very casual time, and only for a short time.  I somehow didn't trust that I was doing the right thing, or that time wasn't better spent.  

Getting out of the apartment that my ex and I had made a home, was the best thing I could've done.  I didn't much feel like moving physically, but mentally it was a must as I had been stuck there in a lease for an entire year just as a human shell going through motions. Very careful not to trigger a memory while just trying to exist in this space.  In my new apartment I was reinvigorated, and once I began to feel more like myself after much too long, I dusted off the game system and was once again happily transported.  Every time something struck my fancy in this fantasy world, I was reminded of how these things were made, and how I might've done this at some point professionally.  If only I had pursued it a tiny bit more. 

I good friend commissioned me to create some marketing images for him, and as payment, the result of a passing discussion we'd had on my future and my work, he purchased a Nintendo Switch and sent it to me.  I was...floored.  It was much more than I was going to charge for my work, but there it was.  I thanked him profusely and he told me to let him know when I started streaming.  I honestly wasn't even sure I could, but I had to at least try now.  The thought wouldn't escape me and learning to stream consumed me in the months that followed.  

My first stream in September of 2021 was awkward and rife with complications, but I can honestly say it was the most fun I'd had in a long time.  It was important at the time, that I honored my journey to that point and make it about what I was most passionate about, my art.  The program I chose, Clip Studio Pro, was brand new to me and I had so much to learn in using it, so I thought what better way to be entertaining than fumbling around this program and create something.  I only got about 3 viewers, but I knew I couldn't expect much, and I counted this as a tremendous success.  I had fun.  I knew I wanted to do this more, and I immediately wondered if I could keep it all up. 

I tried to be careful in all my decisions, but I worried if this was not all a by-product of my Shiny Object Syndrome.  It didn't seem possible as I had waited for more than a year to get to this point.  But I suppose it was more troubling that once I got here, I wasn't sure what to do.  Here I was an artist, working in traditional media, doing an occasional show, and getting the occasional commission, now charged with figuring out digital media and making it work for my career. Where would I find the time for streaming, and art, and art streaming, and friends, and family, and pay the bills. 

I'm not the first to embark on this journey, and I've had many an inspiration that has kept this fire lit.  My doubts attempt to blow out the flame almost on a daily basis, but I think I've learned the value of baby steps. I think I end up stumbling back onto this dusty ole blog for many reasons, but the biggest being accountability.  And another being documentation. Gary Vee on YouTube says that's important. 

I've begun to note this change, this metamorphosis, as Reinvention.  Many artists go through it.  Many artists may not understand it or realize it's happening.  But just the same as when Picasso moved into his Blue Period, and Madonna donned a cowboy hat, reinvention occurred, and artists are then freed up from their "normal" methods of expression into a new arena with new challenges.  It's important for growth.  I've been drawing since I was a child.  It wasn't even until college that I even learned to paint. And even that seems like something I've done forever.  

The point is really that the landscape is always changing.  I'm grateful that my curiosity and hunger for knowledge pushed me to learn new things and explore different mediums of expression.  For me in this moment that's not merely "gaming" art.  While it's fascinating and fun, I think the creative river, the stream if you will, is pointing to the fact that I don't have to be alone in my studio, and I don't have to have a residency to have my art seen or experienced in real time.  I don't have to imagine what something I create might look like if it moved.  I can just make it.  And others can come along for the ride. 

One Hour Quarantine Chill

Many of you have probably seen my YouTube channel where I've shared a number of my artwork process videos, but finally we've come to a small milestone.  ONE HOUR SKETCHBOOK AND CHILL.  :-D  I'm not one to be on camera often, I've done some artist struggle videos but I'm mostly speaking on a subject to which I feel passionate about (being artsy) lol!   But I've never just... shot the $*#! on camera.  It was not very natural to me!

There was a learning curve to talking to myself (on camera) so I think I muttered "Umm" and "Like" about a million times :-O  Hahaha.  I edited as much of them as I could out, but many are still there for your viewing pleasure, perhaps it would be a fun drinking game! ☺️  So in keeping with being myself and overcoming the very real fear of...that, here's a video where we can talk, chill out, and oh yeah, do a little bit of drawing!

Quarantine Life

I'm so interested to see what life will be like when all this is over.  What things will change, what things have thrived and what things have withered away.  It's such a tough time for some many and surely Life in general will be affected for everyone in some way.

But I'm not here to talk so much about what the news is making us worry about.  While I can I'd rather offer up some distraction, education, and/or entertainment.  Someone told me blogs are coming back, *intrigued face* that is yet to be seen on my end, most people are still hung up on social media, myself included.  But a part of me misses coming here to hash it all out with whoever wants to listen. Haha.

I've done a few videos on life as an artist, and to be honest its not much different from quarantine life, except that I'm lucky enough to live more of my day as an artist.  I'll hate to give it up, but artist life doesn't pay my bills yet unfortunately.  With that in mind I turn to experts in the field and what they do to make their living.  There's so much information!  I'll have to start a notebook or something to contain it all.  Check out some of my favorites below.

My main sources are first on YouTube:
@arleebean
@frannerd
@audraauclair
@ergojosh
@DokeTV
@JacquelineDeLeon
@lulusketches

And quite a few others...there and Instagram. I soak up the information they have to offer like  a sponge, but in practice, always seems to be a different story.  In my more recent videos I discuss the woes of modern artists trying to live up to their potential, and it can be such a daunting task that its no wonder so many give up.  I've often had those thoughts, even though I told myself I never would.  I never plan to for sure.  But the fact that I'm older than I thought I'd be before I had some financial success, which is to say, very little right now, is a great cause for depression sometimes.

One thing keeps ringing true in my mind, but something I often ignore.  "You need a product not a project"  And boy do I have tons of projects!  So many things I want to do, so many creative avenues I can't wait to explore!  Many artists are like this I'm sure.  And then I watched this video by speaker and designer Chris Do @thechrisdo  and he explained this "shiny object syndrome" that many artists suffer from.  I recommend checking that video out here: The Futr - The Difference Between Art & Design

But to summarize, it has to do with the debate of "The Specialist" or "The Generalist"  that is to say, someone who specializes in one area of expertise, and one that practices a bit of everything.  No one goes to the doctor that also does culinary, and archery, painting, etc.  People go to the doctor that practices medicine and that's it.  But does that doctor do things in his spare time? OF course! The trick is being a "specialist" in professional practice, and being a "generalist" on your own time and mostly under the radar.  I'd say the generalist stuff will almost always inform your main work in positive ways.  But that doesn't mean you should go to advertise yourself as a Jack of all Trades.  Many times that title comes later anyway, once you're known for that one great thing, people discover what else you're capable of.  And wouldn't you know it, you just happen to have well rounded arsenal.  

Anyone that knows me knows I definitely suffer from Shiny Object Syndrome. I don't notice it very often because a lot of it has to do with my art, and to me, the focus is my art.  But on a more in depth level, I scatter my time between projects and end up having little time for any one thing, and especially the growth I'm looking for.  Which is to say, the business of my art.  I only have myself to blame.  It might also help, if I knew what kind of artist I really am? 

I studied traditional art, and have many experiences to continue that route, but here comes the syndrome and I want to do illustration, I want to be a cover artist, a comic artist, a character designer, a videographer, a youtuber, a teacher, and the list goes on.  Many of these things tie into diversifying income for me.  But its so so SO easy to get lost in all that.   So with so many aspirations what is someone like me to do? 

I think it boils down to getting more specific.  One thing that also rings true for a self sustaining artist life, is muliple streams of income.  This is definitely easier said than done, but I also can't be all things to everyone without making myself crazy.  (Gosh my nails have gotten so long in these past few weeks)

ME right now...

Where was I? I had to find this GIF, lol.  OK right, there is such a thing as stretching yourself too thin.  Burn out is real.  Artist block is real.  I probably don't have to tell you that. The other night I got lost in my new obsession creator, @DokeTV he's a very charismatic guy from Slovakia who does graffiti art.  I've seen some of his videos before, but this night, one caught my eye, and for some reason the idea struck a chord.  He bought a house for an art studio.  Cool, I see Youtubers, especially popular ones buying houses left and right.  But this was different.  I could already tell from the thumbnail, though it was a big house, it wasn't full of "curb appeal."  Did he go and buy and old house for the sake of redoing everything and exploding creatively all over it?  Yes he did.  I thought this was amazing.  He saved his money to find a space that he could go ham on.  Not a precious property to remain untouched and Instagram-worthy.  He could do whatever he wanted to it.  This little journey with the house drew me in, and I came across one of his other videos that seemed to be a turning point for him.

Up until this point he was an average graffiti artist.  Relatively unknown to me, but I have seen his videos show up in my feed.  I flipped back to earlier videos and saw that he made a turning point, to become a better artist.  He had a great following, he seemed happy doing what he loved, but he found a hole somewhere.  A hole that he could fill by improving and taking his audience on that journey.  He has a very simple plan.  And yet the dots began to connect.  He had focus, and he had a mission, and he wrote it down, and he stuck to it.  And every video afterward was a continuation of this goal, and his personality just got to shine in the midst of it all.  This was a lightbulb moment for me.  I felt stupid for one.  I watched so many artists like this.  I watched them not always to learn from them, but because I LIKED them.  They were funny, they were fun to watch.  Was I fun to watch? 

For some people yes, but I cringe watching my own videos.  Sometimes I just watch for the nostalgia of it all.  But overall, in my experience when too much of MY personal life snuck into the video, viewers got scarce.  But this guy... I knew nothing of his family, or situation, but he himself was a hoot!  It was just him being himself on camera.  I knew it.  I've seen this advice a million times from others.  Just be yourself, no one can be you, its the best commodity you have.  And I knew at this moment that my personality was lacking on screen.  And that the favorites I come back to over and over again, were the ones that the camera was barely there, and I was just hanging out with a friend.

And yet when the camera goes on, my mind flips to educator, people-pleaser, almost personality-less zombie.  I think that's what I've been cringing over when I see myself.  Not many people can handle being themselves much less watching themselves speak and emote on screen.  I certainly can't.  I have to credit @TheChrisDo again for his video that spoke about the inner critic.  Again, nothing that was new to me.  But he had small exercise that helped identify the things we tell ourselves, and then REPLACE those things with the thoughts of others.  That is to say, the opinions of those we love and who love us.  They would never be as harsh as we are on ourselves.  It's all about interrupting that thought process and becoming aware of that voice that isn't really ours in our head and belongs to the criticism we've heard over the tough times in our lives.  So lets replace those words with words of kindness from people who we deserve to be listening to.  As I write this I think of all the ways in which I've derailed myself.   I'll the things I've told myself that counter the dream.  So change those thoughts, because thoughts become your actions, and actions become your reality. 

And be your fucking self. 

Daniel Smith Watercolors Swatches!

These swatches have been in the works for quite some time!  Ever since my Epic Paint Haul video I've been working on getting color sets together and swatching them as well as painting a quick watercolor sketch.  It's been fun so far!  I hope these help you see what colors may work for you, and inspire you to get creative!

Check out the first video below!

PS - I've been working on getting some classes together on Skillshare.  Who would've thunk? ME? Teaching?!  Well we shall see what I come up with.

Favorite Watercolor Supplies!

Most of these I own, and some I've been drooling over for months.  Soon they will BE MINE!  *EVIL LAUGH*  ☺️ I've put this handy visual guide together for you to get started on your artist journey with watercolors.  This is by no means comprehensive, and there are hundreds of different choices, but these are my favorites at the moment.  Each picture will take you directly to the Amazon listing where you can buy and/or find something suitable for you!  Have fun!

New Studio!

Not sure I knew just how many times I'd have to set-up and take my down my studio in my life time, but here we are with a new one!

My new flat is awesome, small, but packed with everything I need, including all my ART SUPPLIES!  It's still a bit of a mess but it's workable.  And workable is the important part!  A creative must always find the time to make time for creative practices.  I've managed to throw a few things outside my studio into the mix.

Artist Dates, a concept born from The Artist's Way, is one way I've managed to keep the spark alive.  Nurturing the artist/child within by exposing it to fun creative environments, buying cheap fun art supplies or stationery, is the key to a successful date.  PLAY is the keyword.  I've also managed to a few of my friends in on the deal.

Finding time to spend with friends can be hard, but sharing my creative time with them and having painting sessions is one great way of getting some work in and inspiring others.  I find that my friends are always interested in what I do in the studio, and just where the magic happens.  It can be easy to forget when we're studying and improving, that other people do not spend such time on creativity.  This is one big reason I promote it to everyone.  It flexes different muscles, it fires a different set of pistons within the brain, and studies prove that it is beneficial to any and everyone!

With this thought in mind I've started a series of videos where I discuss the struggles of an artist, and hope to shed some light on the subject. Inspiration perhaps. Everyone needs a creative outlet, but there are mountains between us and our colorful endeavors.   One thing I hope to do is simply document my journey, tips I've stumbled on, and ways to make creativity part of your life.   It's not all glitter bombs and flash in the art world.  Trekking the hard trails and climbing the steep cliffs is daunting, but it can be done.  I intend to show its possible.

Epic Watercolor Paint Haul

I decided to film an unboxing video of my recent purchase from Daniel Smith Watercolors.  I've been using them since my college painting classes.  My friend Andre Williams (@artofandre) and I have been obsessed with them ever since.   We pulled our resources and created this massive paint haul, and now I'm sharing my selections with you!

This was a fun video to do, and share, and in future videos I'll be doing some swatching of the colors, so look out for that!

Thanks to Andre for sponsoring this video! :-D  He's a dear friend and you should go follow him on social media!

If you're looking or some watercolor or art supplies for you own, please consider using my personal affiliate links that support this blog, my videos, and art content!
Utrecht Art Supplies
Dick Blick Art Supplies

Sketchbook Entry WIP

Work in progress from sketchbook of Johnny Perez ©2018

On Inner Demons...

"You cannot defeat  darkness by running from it, nor can you conquer  your inner demons by hiding them from the world.  In order to defeat the darkness, you must bring it into the light." 

-Seth Adam Smith